Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
3pm strippers are depressing
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Come on in and take your pants off
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