my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i came on her dog
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
