seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he thought i was a dude.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
