Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
