i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
PANTIES FOUND
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