Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
