FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
