mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
