Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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