i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
