Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
