OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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