i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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