you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
