I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
