the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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