the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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