True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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