I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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