Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
