there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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