Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize