apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love you.
Bad choice
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