I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
