I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I looked at my own cervix.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I need a burrito and a hug.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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