i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
