the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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