I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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