Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Im part way to drunk.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
