I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
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My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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