Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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