apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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