Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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