Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
