How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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