She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
