saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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