When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
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I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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