saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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