i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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