Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
