if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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