I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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