Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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