I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
