Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
