Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
