You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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