Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have