I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
