My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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