Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
