Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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