i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
