My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
